Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
#13 Parents Managing Anger
Parents teach their children life skills. Unfortunately and despite popular belief, children do not come preprogrammed with a "how to deal with life guide." Yet parents often do not realize the power that their daily life scripts have on their kids. Children are captive audiences as they view your behaviors and responses to life challenges. They watch you 24/7 as a personal dvd. Your kids then use these powerful images as models for solving their own life problems. For example, how do you respond in angry situations? Do you acknowledge any negative results of your decisions? Do you ever accept responsibility for poor results of a team project? Do your kids observe you gossiping about your buddies? Do you always resort to verbal cursing and physical fighting to solve disagreements?
Everyone may have a different opinion about and solution to a problem. In such situations, what life lesson will your child learn about resolving conflict? As a parent, it is important to think about the powerful message you are sending your child through your behavior. Kids often mimic their parents. So if you have a problem with anger management and you are about to become a parent, this is probably the best time to finally address it.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
#11 Emotions with Parenting Differences
Differences in parenting styles can be a major problem. Two individuals with different backgrounds come together to raise a child. The ability to parent gets very complicated when a parent has emotional issues and can't be consistent with their message to their children. In my opinion, that can be a recipe for disaster. Children are smart, period. They quickly figure out how to get their needs and desires met. Problems in parenting occur when both parents can't agree on the messages about the rules for their child.
Limit setting is an area that can be very tricky. One parent may be unable to set limits for a variety of reasons. In my world of psychiatry, if you are depressed, it is very hard to stay consistent with the parenting message. The other parent should agree and not be erratic in supporting the depressed parent in their established kid rules. So when one parent says no but is too overwhelmed to stay consistent, the kid often seeks out the parent who will grant them permission. For example, the kid gets to play on the computer although one parent said no. Later the parent with depressive illness feels better, but the kid learned a lesson about parental differences. Ask parent X for permission when parent Y says no. The child learns from the parenting differences not to listen to the "mean" parent who sets limits.
This Mindsupport message is to settle your parental differences in adult privacy. Kids learn life lessons when both parents agree on the issues.
Limit setting is an area that can be very tricky. One parent may be unable to set limits for a variety of reasons. In my world of psychiatry, if you are depressed, it is very hard to stay consistent with the parenting message. The other parent should agree and not be erratic in supporting the depressed parent in their established kid rules. So when one parent says no but is too overwhelmed to stay consistent, the kid often seeks out the parent who will grant them permission. For example, the kid gets to play on the computer although one parent said no. Later the parent with depressive illness feels better, but the kid learned a lesson about parental differences. Ask parent X for permission when parent Y says no. The child learns from the parenting differences not to listen to the "mean" parent who sets limits.
This Mindsupport message is to settle your parental differences in adult privacy. Kids learn life lessons when both parents agree on the issues.
Friday, November 5, 2010
#9 The Best Mommy Option
The ongoing debate about a child's best developmental outcomes from stay at home moms versus working mothers often make catchy, head turning headlines. One can find daily expert advice about the best parenting practices in women's magazines, newspapers and the internet. Parenting would be easy if kids already came pre programmed with values, manners and life direction. I often find myself asking women who they model themselves after in this new mother role. It is interesting that many working mothers have the image of their stay-at-home moms as their ideal. Their childhood memories of the constant presence of their stay-at-home mothers are quickly shared.
Many women work outside the home today and they often struggle painfully with their work realities. These women often devalue themselves since they compare their situations with their childhood memories. Meanwhile, many modern children readily share of their warm memories of being chauffeured in their mom's car after school. Tales of eating dinner and doing homework on the run are forever cherished. Hearing such warm stories of good times on the run is quite common but rarely makes media coverage. I have heard of many other adults learning their childhood life lessons while waiting for the bus or train or riding public transportation to attend educational activities. The life accounts of well adjusted kids from both stay at home moms and working moms leave wonderful childhood legacies. There is no right or wrong prescription for being a mother. I do believe that moms who are flexible and have fewer preconceived or rigid notions of their mother role have less stress.
Many women work outside the home today and they often struggle painfully with their work realities. These women often devalue themselves since they compare their situations with their childhood memories. Meanwhile, many modern children readily share of their warm memories of being chauffeured in their mom's car after school. Tales of eating dinner and doing homework on the run are forever cherished. Hearing such warm stories of good times on the run is quite common but rarely makes media coverage. I have heard of many other adults learning their childhood life lessons while waiting for the bus or train or riding public transportation to attend educational activities. The life accounts of well adjusted kids from both stay at home moms and working moms leave wonderful childhood legacies. There is no right or wrong prescription for being a mother. I do believe that moms who are flexible and have fewer preconceived or rigid notions of their mother role have less stress.
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